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March 29th, 2008
Another year...and death has not caught up with me.
It is amazing looking back and realizing how long I have seeked death. And since last time I have posted, I have put myself into deadly situations, surviving them all.
One thing I realized over the past year is that cocaine really makes me aroused. But not only that, when I do get aroused, my death fetish immediately returns, once again, as I choke myself, pushing the envelope and trying to get closer and closer to the end. I also went and visited this really deep quicksand pit, which is always fun on a warm day: being buried up to one's neck in cool mud. It's actually difficult to drown in such deep mud; it takes a lot of effort to even get close to submerging. Crazy.
I am not so sure, though, if I just want to die by my own hand, though such a demise would be sweet morbidity. I still want to die with someone else or by someone else's hand and that stops me from going all the way, though I can sometimes feel death grasping at me as darkness nears.
Perhaps this will be the year where I find that lovely dark girl that'll take my life from me.
December 12th, 2006
I am still here.
...And still search for that women with a murderous rage. You would have thought that perhaps it would have been easier!
January 13th, 2005
The fine line...
I saw a commercial at short-films website that was pretty cool - this woman was at a bar, and this guy went to hit on her. Then, suddenly, out of her chest, this thing shot out, grabbed the guy by the head, pulled him into her chest, and she swallowed him whole. She then gave a very satisfying *burp.* Very neat - I've always had this certain thing for the notion of being swallowed alive and whole by a giant plant, monster, or a snake. I guess the fetish is called "Vore," which is definitely an off the wall kink, but I find to be very erotic.
As usual, I have had an interesting conversation with a few people, but they are always just that...conversations. It is a dizzying line to walk between fantasy and a desire for reality, and one that you'd never know you'd cross if the opportunity arose. Of course, I'd like that opportunity to arise, if given a chance.
I need new tights - my old ones are boring, and it'd be nice to get more colors. Perhaps some green or blue would be a decent change?
I've also discovered a new way to choke myself - too fun! But, I am always weary about auto-erotic asphyxia, mostly because, if I was to die, I'd want to do it with someone else, or with a partner. Why die alone, especially if an erotic experience can be shared with a willing partner?
And I discovered I really like the show, "Lost." It is very cool, and the monster in the forest is awesome. I'd like to meet such a beast - huge, terrifying, and ready to rip you to shreds at a moments notice.
I had one of my "ghost" dreams again. It usually involves me being in some, dreary dark house. (Which, to me, is a perfect setting for such a dream, and a place I'd like to explore.) Down a corridor I can feel a dark, evil, malevolent presence in the most shadow-filled part of the house. Normally, a person may want to flee from such a forbidding place, but I am drawn to it. In the dream, I want to be absorbed and consumed by that presence, so I take a step and start heading down that corridor, frightened and yet thrilled at the same time....
November 29th, 2004
Another day, another possibility for death... :
I've recently been looking at some interesting groups which I have added. And I have spoken with a few folks about some interesting matters, but, alas...my presence is still lingering. This has some downsides, but upsides as well, such as the beautiful, blue moonlight that I saw streaming into my room the other AM, when I awoke and saw the bright, full moon casting into my living area.
I've recently had some interesting dreams, including this one of this woman that wanted my house for whatever reason. I said, "you can, if you kill me," and she wrapped her hands around my neck to start choking me...of course, that is when I awoke, with a *sigh.*
I recently discovered that, according to internet rumors, a scored wife in Hong Kong can kill a cheating husband, with her hands, if she so chooses...legally. Hmm, maybe I should move to Hong Kong, eh?
One of my more intesesting, thrilling recent ventures was buying some new tights and pantyhose. Joy - now, I just have to meet someone would murder me as I am dressed in my new erotic clothing. Or I may have to take matters into my own hands - there are some nice wooded spots in my new area where I moved that have some great places where one could lie down and simply die, restfully.
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: Death
August 9th, 2004
I had another uncontrollable urge...
Sometimes, especially if I drink too much whiskey, I get this uncontrollable urge to die, and especially die by strangulation. Last night was an example - drunk and 5 o'clock in the AM. I just wanted to be strangled, and killed, so much that I actually stumbled out into the woods (so I wouldn't be found) with a loop of tights and wearing a favorite pair of tights under my clothing, and proceeded to strangle myself HARD with this loop of tights. (All I had to do was loop this loop of tights around a low lying bush's limb.) I think I came pretty close to passing out, and maybe dying, but it didn't happen...
Though it would have been kinda cool for my dead body to have been found the next day, strangled and only wearing a pair of tights. Too bad someone couldn't have been there last night to ensure this would happen.
July 16th, 2004
And the question continues...
My quest continues, still searching for that person, a black hearted women, and perhaps one who lusts or craves killing, that will take me into darkness...and into my doom.
You'd think it would be easy to find such a person, an evil seductress of death, but it has not been. Though, all my life, I have felt that was my purpose...To die at the hands of such an individual. I cannot explain it, but since I was a child I had just feel a need - a fetish desire - to perish by an erotic means.
That desire to feel her hands around my neck, or seeing her face as the last thing I see, as she pushes me deeper into bottomless quicksand, never to escape or to be found.
I keep searching though, since it is a drive that I cannot seemingly control.
Could it be you?
If so, talk to me.
March 28th, 2004
I have already spoke with several interesting people since I have joined a few groups. It should be fascinating to see what develops in the near future. But, alas, as always, words are easier than deeds. So we'll see...
I have a mark on my neck where I tripped and choked myself. Scatch that, I didn't trip, I just choked myself - gotta love auto-erotic asphyxia. Too bad I didn't have a partner!
March 20th, 2004
This is a post. And just a post. Since I created this journal, I thought I'd write something here. I will join a few groups, since I have several that I have been following. Yes, very exciting stuff. Perhaps death will be at my door, a shadow, lurking, knowing my desires...